please · don't.

i feel so sick and i can't do this anymore.

i love the car, but it's not the first time i found something i loved and it didn't work out. it will be sad to hear it go to someone else. but maybe they will take care of it as well as we would, and they will love it just as much and it will make their year and they will put a picture of it on their desk and look at it to brighten their days.

i hate the ending myself, but it started with an alright scene.

trying not to get too excited about the gti because it isn't cheap and it has a lot of problems, but i like it, i really like it, and all winter to get it ready for next season would be such a wonderful opportunity, time to get it all fixed up and looking pretty for next summer, between us i think we could really make it a solid running, good looking car, and a gti with the two round headlights, mike could have a gti for me to love again.

my pie crust was splitting and i couldn't figure out why and i realized it was the most distressing thing that has happened to me this week.

my pies, my beautiful pies, what is wrong with you? i don't want to give away pies with splitting crusts :(

when andy gets out i will be doing a lot of things on my own.

i found two more so in case i mess this one up it's okay.

i have two finished light pods and both look excellent, four lights or two? blocking the badge or not? i will ask andy. just started but i am really pleased with it :)

nice day.

mike makes me anxious, i try to feed him as well as i can when he is here, and he is still falling apart, what am i supposed to do, how many vitamins can i make him take?

it makes me feel like a failure.

ben asked me out today.

i told him he was still in discovery and we had not proceeded to trial yet.

i don't like him enough to date him. these things take time, and i need to wait anyway, everybody likes me for the first month or two, the real test will be four or five months from now, then we'll see.

he has good style, and i can hold real conversations with him, about roman polanski, and the discovery rule, and we can debate whether the corporation has to give the written evaluations to the plaintiffs or can deny based on work-product, and but-for cause. but he doesn't make my knees weak. i smile when i see him but my heart doesn't start thumping like it did when i used to see mike.

mike took a part from me i haven't gotten back yet, and that's not to say i am unhappy. i am happy, and i like my life, and i like the people in it. i just don't have enough of myself back yet to give to someone else, and i need to rebuild the reserves of how much i care, because mike wiped it out completely, and it's coming back, but slowly, tiny green shoots out of the dark brown dead growth. i like my life so much that i don't need to have someone else. and there's mike, there is mike, even if in some distant context of rally racing and how much i do genuinely enjoy his body.

i am flattered anyways, even if i do not return the feelings.

i like how i can be quiet with mike and neither of us feels like we have to speak to fill the silence.

take two of making a light pod out of sculpey was also a fail. lights, work with me!

this will look perfect. it must.

andy, write me a letter. i am anxious about you.

we will rally, and even if mike bails on me and doesn't do it, or just doesn't take me along, i am co-driving anyways, no matter what it takes.

what a good weekend, working all day and then at night curling up against his warm back, long car rides in the sunshine and it was nice to get back but all i have been thinking of all day is rally, fire suits and helmets and intercom systems and footwear, things the car will need and licensing requirements and all the odds and ends that need to be dealt with by a co driver (timing cards, registration, what goes in a co-driving bag), and in between writing to andy about my weekend and how excited i am, and how much i am looking forward to him maybe being our service crew.

i hope mike doesn't lose interest in this and i hope he will do it with me, it will be easier with him instead of a stranger, i feel i will be a better co driver with him than with someone else, since i know him so well and for the most part, we work, together we work pretty well.

best birthday in a long time.

i am pleased, that was such a nice surprise, and my heart with hands is resting on mike's pillow right now, where he will probably live. i can't wait for saturday, i am so excited, what could it be??? and next week, a red sox game, maybe visiting andy, and then black river stages!!!

it is nice, being so excited, and having such nice things to look forward to, and my face hurts from smiling so much.

oh andy.

it is over but this summer was probably the best i have ever had, and things will probably get less good now, but for a summer, despite all the bumps, i was truly happy.

i got over mike and i let him come back only when i was ready.

playing catch, new hampshire moped rally, the red arrow, rimmon rock, the museum of science, law movie mondays with jon, washington, dc, hell's satans moped rally in virginia, cirque du soleil, salty air in maine, snakes at dan's, red sox games, rally america, waterfest, riding in steve's jeep, late night games and movies at paul's, pounds of jelly beans and peach gummies, thrifting with my mom and sometimes paul, chinese food lunches with my mom, clam shacks with my parents, putting siding on the ocean cottage, hunting for starfish, racing my dad in the backstroke, fires and parties at pat's, painting the mazda, red box movie nights, reconciling with nick, playing with mike's dog and looking at the defender up close, shopping with justin, my first games of quarters and beirut, broke.down with alex, and car rides with mike, to woburn and salem and lopresti park and dark roads in londonderry, to get spelt bread and to valley street and my house, and snuggling up against him in the morning, knees over his thighs and feet pressed against his smooth flippers, the best sex of my life and rebuilding trust in someone i used to call a very close friend, and mike being a kinder person.

it can't last but what a time, what things i did, and i can't even point out why it made me feel so content and pleased, but i will hold it tight against my heart when things are terrible this winter, when i think "nothing is ever easy with you", because those words still burn me.

sometimes i miss my parents' house, like when it is sunny outside and the sunroom is perfect for sleeping, and i really do like that house, with the garage and yard and pasture. if you had a happy childhood i don't think you ever forget the house you grew up in.

when i was buying strawberries at the grocery store today, i caught myself picking up a box of rice krispies in case mike eats breakfast at my apartment this week, i put it back on the shelf, stood in front of it for a few seconds, then put it into my basket again. i washed his underwear with my panties, i can buy the kid a box of cereal.

i had so much fun learning how to play quarters last night, and i was actually looking forward a little to going out with them for a bit and experiencing what everyone else does on weekends, and paul's rude and unnecessary remarks deflated me like a balloon. he put his arm around me on the t and i gently picked it up to move it, but he tightened his arm and i couldn't move it without struggling. i hate that, i hate that feeling of being forced to cause a scene, my shoulders stiff and tight and it would be obvious to anyone that i am not happy about this turn of events, and that he would do it anyway fractured a lot of the good feelings i had toward him. to make me feel uncomfortable, and say nasty things to me, in turn glaring accusingly or turning weepy eyes on me, seriously, i tried to be sympathetic but stop being such a basket case and he doesn't have a ticket to do whatever he wants because i happened to break his heart through no actions of my own. and i am twice angry at him, for hurting my feelings (but more for completely breaking the ties of friendship, i am not friends with paul anymore after this and i am sad), but also for making mike feel obligated to ride back with me, i like to think he just really wanted sex, but i can't help but think that if paul had acted like a normal human being he would have never willingly left so early, but then again, i wouldn't have left so early either.

i am not a bitch whether or not i let him put his arm around me, but he is an asshole for doing it to me anyway, and don't drink if you can't handle it without turning into an insulting prick, a lesson he should know by now.

tired but i hope things are okay.